Title: New Life, Past Mistakes
Author: [livejournal.com profile] foreverbm
Timeline: Season 4
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Words: 1,222
Beta: [livejournal.com profile] jule1122
Summary: Ben and Michael talk about JR’s birth and past mistakes from Ben’s life which still haunt him. Written for the prompt 'Birth' at [livejournal.com profile] fanfic100 and the prompt 'Hurt' at [livejournal.com profile] 25fluffyfics



“I can’t believe how tiny she is.” I said to Ben as I climbed into bed, snuggling up against the warmth of his body.

“She’s only two days old Michael, of course she’s tiny.” Ben replied with a laugh in his voice.

“Yeah I know.” I answered, smiling up at him before continuing. “And I can’t believe I’m a father.”

“It’s pretty amazing isn’t it.” Ben replied, and I noticed a slight break in his voice when he spoke and knew immediately what was going through his mind.

“And you’re her father too.” I said, reaching up and dropping a kiss on his lips. “And the first word I’m going to teach her is….” I hesitated for a moment, thinking about what JR should call Ben. “I know! She’ll call you Dada!”

I felt his grip tighten around me and his hand squeezed mine “I like that.” He answered quietly, but I knew that the thought of becoming a father in the true sense was something he would never experience still caused him pain.

“I’m glad” I answered, moving even closer to him. “I wonder who she’ll look like?”

“Considering you and Mel are both dark, I’m fairly certain she will have your dark hair, and I hope your beautiful brown eyes.” Ben replied, running a finger down my cheek.

I blushed slightly at his words. He’d always told me that when he looked into my eyes he could see the window of my soul and those words always sent an overpowering surge of love for him through my body.

“We’ve never really talked about you not being able to be a father.” I whispered quietly, holding my breath waiting for his answer and hoping I would not open up old wounds but knowing it was something we needed to talk about. Maybe now, with JR’s birth, it was time to finish that conversation we had started long ago.

I peeked up at him and could see he was miles away, lost in his own thoughts perhaps or maybe trying to find the words he needed, so I rested my head on his chest and waited.
We often seemed to have deep discussions in the dark, sharing our fears and hurts wrapped in each others arms, the darkness somehow allowing us to say things that we wouldn’t in the cold light of day. These times, no matter how painful they could be, were locked in my heart.

“I guess not being able to father a child is just another thing that I have to add to the list of why I could hate this disease.” Ben said suddenly, breaking into my thoughts. “But it’s part of me, and hating it won’t change a thing, so perhaps that’s the wrong word. Maybe resent is better.”

I knew he had more to say so just lay still beside him, lacing my fingers through his, and waited.

“It’s taken away being able to plan a future together for us, because no matter how much I try to kid myself that we will grow old together, I know deep down it may not happen and that alone is enough for me to feel resentment. But I know I have no one to blame but myself.” Ben said quietly.

I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t his fault, but I held my silence.

“It was my mistake, trusting someone who I thought I loved.” He continued “But I know now it was never love. We were too different and the relationship would never have stood the test of time.”

“But we’re different.” I interrupted.

“In some ways, yes.” He answered, lifting my chin and looking into my eyes. “But in the ways that matter we are the same. I knew from the moment I met you that you wanted the same things from life that I did. Someone to love and be loved by; a home and a family. You bring out the best in me Michael. Your love of life is infectious, you always look for the good in people, and you fight for what you believe in.”

I felt tears sting my eyes at his words, but didn’t attempt to wipe them away because I didn’t want to break the moment.

“I always knew that no matter what we went through, and I know I’ve tested your love on many occasions, that we would survive because we love each other.” He continued. “And because of that I feel nothing but happiness for you being a father, and I am so very grateful that I am part of your life so that I can share that role with you.”

“But it’s not the same is it?” I asked quietly, watching him closely, and I saw a flicker of pain in his eyes.

“No, Michael it’s not.” He answered. “I would give anything to be able to turn back time and not make the same mistakes. I wish I’d met you then, that we could have those extra years together.”

“I don’t think you would have liked me much back then.” I replied. “I had a lot of growing up to do, and I made my own mistakes as well.”

“You mean David?” Ben asked.

I nodded and hesitated before continuing. This was something else we hadn’t really discussed over the years.

“I thought I was in love with him, but I think I was more in love with the idea. It wasn’t real, and I can look back now and realize it never would have worked. He wasn’t prepared to accept parts of my life, and I wasn’t prepared to give them up.” I said. “Even if Justin hadn’t been bashed, and Brian hadn’t called me to come back, I know the relationship was doomed before that.”

“I guess we both had to make those mistakes to finally realize what love was when we met each other.” Ben replied, lifting my chin and covering my mouth with his. My hands slowly caressed his face, and I knew when we finished this talk we would make love into the early hours. It always happened, both of us needing that intimacy to take away the thoughts of one day not being together.

Our mouths finally parted, and I snuggled back against his body, both of us lying quietly, lost in our own thoughts. Mine were leading in a direction I wasn’t sure I could share with him at this moment.

“Do you know what else this disease has taken away from me?” Ben’s voice bought me back to the present.

“What?” I asked quietly.

“The fact that we can never make love raw.” He replied, and it was as if he had read my mind.

My eyes met his and the love, tinged with regret that shone from them, sent a small shiver through my body, and I felt his arm tighten around me.

“I admit there is nothing I want more than to feel you bare and taste you, but I know and accept it will never happen.” I said softly. “You know how much I love you and this disease is part of who you are.”

“I just sometimes feel that I cannot give you everything you deserve.” Ben said.

“But you give me everything I need.” I replied.

“I love you Michael.”

“I know.”

From: [identity profile] foreverbm.livejournal.com


Thank you &hearts

I had to take Andy and Katy to the train, they have gone to swim with the dolphins for the day but went back to bed for a couple of hours afterwards :)

From: [identity profile] kata-ny.livejournal.com


*sighs*
so understanding.
wonderful.i can only imagine how hard this is for both of them.

From: [identity profile] foreverbm.livejournal.com


Thank you! Yes it would be hard, not being able to have that complete intimacy but they have each other, which is all they really need :)

From: [identity profile] shadownyc.livejournal.com


That was so incredibly beautiful! It was extremely touching.

From: [identity profile] foreverbm.livejournal.com


Thank you :)

I was always slightly annoyed that they were interrupted that time they began to talk about Ben wanting to be a father and it was never touched on again. I personally think it was something that could have been delved into deeper, hence my attempt to do so.

From: [identity profile] sjmpets.livejournal.com


that was very nice. a bit sad for what can't be, but to love each other enough to not dwell in the past is what it's all about.

From: [identity profile] foreverbm.livejournal.com


Thank you &hearts and yes, you are right! Their love for each other gives them both what they want :)

From: [identity profile] dunderklumpen.livejournal.com


Awww... wonderful and sad. But I like the idea that they finally talked about the whole thing. I love your Ben in this. He seems very in character - more than usual.

From: [identity profile] foreverbm.livejournal.com


Thank you I think ....lol....I try to get Ben in character as often as possible and think I usually succeed but may need to try a bit harder by the sound of it.

Michael I seem to be more comfortable with it appears.

I'm glad they talked as well, it annoyed me they didn't in the show, it could have been delved into much deeper.

From: [identity profile] dunderklumpen.livejournal.com


Ha, ha... talking about misunderstandings: It wasn't meant like you read it. I admit I could have choosen my words more wisely but I meant that your Ben is usually in character but in this fic I could almost hear him say these words - like a scene out of the series itself. So... it was actually a compliment *gg*


From: [identity profile] foreverbm.livejournal.com


hee hee...thank you that is a wonderful compliment :) guess we both got it wrong...lol...so thank you again, I really try very hard to get them both in character as you probably know and I'm especially glad you liked him in this, sometimes he clicks inside my head better than other times I guess...
ext_11979: (Default)

From: [identity profile] suki-blue.livejournal.com


Lovely! Such a tender moment. The thought that Ben could die young makes my heart ache, goodness know what it must feel like to Ben and Michael. Devastating, I suppose.

From: [identity profile] foreverbm.livejournal.com


Thank you! The thought of Ben dying young and Michael being without him is unimaginable. I don't think Michael would ever get over it.
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